"Life Ain't Always Beautiful...But It's a Beautiful Ride."

I was always the girl who was dating someone.  Just ask my childhood friend, KK.  She'll tell you I was boy-crazy as a kid, and a teenager, and a college student.  That's just how I rolled.  It wasn't always the best decision at the time and I probaby wouldn't date some of the people over again.  But, I'm a firm believer that you learn something from everyone in your life.  I learned a lot from those guys.

I was thinking today that you never know how your old relationship(s) effect you, until you begin a new one.  Jerk & I broke up over two years ago.  It was awful, but I survived and learned a lot about myself in the process.  I'm a better person because of it and I know that it was the right thing to do.  My reaction to the break-up was to be single and stay that way. I went on a few dates over the past two years.  Some were good and some were horrible, but it just never stuck.  I was ok with that.  I had my friends and that was really all I needed.

Fast forward to now: I've started talking to a good friend who lives in Chicago.  We've known each other for quite some time and even dated for a little while way back in college.  We have a great time together and I was the absolute last person who would have thought I'd be remotely interested in him again, but I am.  He makes me laugh, challenges me and is on a great path in life....three things that are hugely important.  Crap...didn't see that coming.   After hanging out with him for a little bit I realized how things have changed in me.

Turns out, I'm terrified of relationships now.  I'm absolutely scared to death that I will repeat the same mistakes I made with Jerk and that I'll have my heart broken again.  In order to not make the same decisions, I hold people at arms length and question every single move/decision.  I overanalyze every word, every move and every thought.  In my head, I've already worked out the reasons it won't last...so why not just cut to the chase and end it now before I get hurt?  "He said this, but did he mean that?"  "What if he cheats?" "What if I'm too big of a bitch?"  It's really hard for me to just live in the moment and enjoy someone's company who happens to be very interested in me.  I always like to be two steps ahead in order to see what's coming...but I'm not sure that works in relationships.

Since when is it ok to assume things aren't going to work out?  Why not go into something head-first, fearless?  Because some Jerk broke my heart?  Yeah, I got burned bad last time...but the past doesn't have to dictate the future. Happiness is a choice.  A choice to see the best instead of assuming the worst. Things will work out as they will.  It may not always be the perfect ending...but why not enjoy the perfect beginning?

"I've sworn off my past, the first and last bad call that I ever made....it's my heart I'll follow this time."