"It's a Deep Burn"

I have a very love/hate relationship with working out.  Growing up, I was a gymnast for ten years and also did diving for four years.  I was never one for team sports - anyone who's seen me play kickball can attest to this.  Anywho, for those sports years, I was in pretty rockin' good shape...we did weights and throwing yourself off a 12 foot springboard will give you a decent cardio workout.  But, then I got to high school and decided that I would rather socialize with my friends (read: watch Trading Spaces/run around Super Target) than be committed to a team sport.  I've always had issues with commitment.  So, I quit sports and ran around with my friends.

Then college.  In college, you have FREE access to a fabulous gym and pool.  You can even take athletic classes such as swimming, aerobics, and bowling. I took all three because I'm an over-achiever.  I also took flower-arranging.  Many thanks to Jess for "helping" me pass that class.  During college, I probably went to the co-rec a total of 20 times in four years.  I also didn't do much in swimming/aerobics classes because I was too busy socializing.  Shocking.  The thing is, I didn't have to work out.  I was eating whatever I wanted, drinking frat boys under the table and managing to stay the same size/shape I was in high school. 

Then college ended. 

Turns out, after graduation, that "drink whatever, eat whatever and never, ever work out" regimen doesn't work the same way.  It was a subtle change that I didn't even notice until I started looking back at pictures. Now, almost four years later to the day, I'm 20 pounds heavier.  Um, hello!?  Not ok in my book.  I realize that 20 pounds isn't a lot, but I have a very small frame and I'm short.  It shows and it bothers me.  I did random workouts (stupid Jillian Michaels Shred...she CAN kill you in 30 minutes) and a few assorted things, but nothing ever stuck.

So, while still in Nashville, I joined a gym and signed on for personal training (Note: it's not cheap and I don't recommend going on a date with the director of personal training.)  However, I managed to get into a great routine with the training and going to gym at night.  At one point, it was up to five times a week.  For someone who counts walking up one flight of stairs as a workout, this was huge.  I was actually starting to see results! Then I got a job in Chicago and it all went out the door. 

Because of my living situation right now, I haven't been able to join a gym.  So, I did a bit of research and found this: Couch to 5k.  What!?  A work out program for people who enjoy sitting on the couch?  Sign me up.  See, I've always wanted to love running.  My friend KK runs marathons for fun.  She actually said she'd run a half-marathon with me just to help me.  I think she's insane.  But, at the same time, I'm jealous!  She was a swimmer in high school and learned how to work out...and subsequently fell in love with it.  Now, she's a little work-out freak. I want to be a workout freak.  No, I will be a workout freak.  I just have to convince myself that it'll work...and then go buy a DVR because I can't miss Idol.  I figure if Megan over at Tale of the Trees can do it, so can I!  (Looove her blog by the way!)

Game on, Couch to 5k.  Game on.

Steam of Consiousness

This week has kind of sucked.  I never thought I'd say it, but I miss GO.  I miss knowing how to do my job and knowing the boundries I could do it within.  I like boundries.  I don't like when people get promoted even though they suck at their jobs.  I also don't like not knowing what I'm doing.  I'm more of a hinderance than a help at this point and it's ticking me right off.  Also, I don't like bitter people...and in certain areas, I'm surrounded by them.  All. The. Time.  Oh yeah, when did the F-word make it's way in to everyday vocabulary b/c I kid you not, I hear that word at least 150 times a day.  It's annoying and highly offensive.  I'm not the most positive person in the world and certainly don't emit rays of sunshine all the time, but how is it possible that people can be negative all the time???  Again, it's annoying...especially for the new girl.  When someone asks you for help and you say "I don't know" and then complain about how busy you are?  Yeah...that's what I asked if you needed help.  Also, there's a difference between "ruling with an iron fist" and managing.  Try it sometime.  In case you hadn't heard, there's also this thing called "training."  Some people do it before they go run 26.2 miles (crazies), some people do it to learn a new job.  Ya know, in case you hadn't heard.  Finally, there's a thing called planning in advance.  Shockingly, this allows you to schedule your time off and NOT be called in on weekends because you didn't know it was going to be busy. 

Despite all of that crap above (and it's A. Lot. Of. Crap.), I still like it here.  I love that there's so much to do, I love that I got to catch up with my 433 friends from senior year last weekend (missed you Jess!!), and I love that I will never have to work another Tower of Terror shift or have another nervous breakdown in the middle of Marshall's.  I seem to forget that there was a huge adjustment period to my job in Nashville and it'll be the same way in Chicago.  I'll survive. I'll learn the right way to do things and I will keep a positive attitude and change as much as I possibly can.  After this, who know's where I'll go...but this is the right place to be for now.

Commuting

I hear the following songs at least once a day, if not more, on the radio stations in Chicago:

• "Cuts Like a Knife" - Bryan Adams
• "Grease" - Frankie Valli
• "The Way I Am" - Ingrid Michaelson
• "Haven't Met You Yet" - Michael Buble
• "PYT" - Michael Jackson
• "Tainted Love" - Soft Cell
• "Unwell" - Matchbox 20
• At least three Taylor Swift songs

Repetative much, Chicago? 

Also, I've learned through some serious commuting that it helps to have some up-beat music to rock-out to.  And since I've developed a serious addiction to Ally McBeal on DVD, it's nearly impossible for me not to dance/drive.  It just helps start your day off a little better.  So you'd better believe that I was attempting to do the following when I heard "My First, My Last, My Everything" by Barry White on the radio this morning.  (Note to Self:  It's NOT easy to do while driving.) 

"Life Ain't Always Beautiful...But It's a Beautiful Ride."

I was always the girl who was dating someone.  Just ask my childhood friend, KK.  She'll tell you I was boy-crazy as a kid, and a teenager, and a college student.  That's just how I rolled.  It wasn't always the best decision at the time and I probaby wouldn't date some of the people over again.  But, I'm a firm believer that you learn something from everyone in your life.  I learned a lot from those guys.

I was thinking today that you never know how your old relationship(s) effect you, until you begin a new one.  Jerk & I broke up over two years ago.  It was awful, but I survived and learned a lot about myself in the process.  I'm a better person because of it and I know that it was the right thing to do.  My reaction to the break-up was to be single and stay that way. I went on a few dates over the past two years.  Some were good and some were horrible, but it just never stuck.  I was ok with that.  I had my friends and that was really all I needed.

Fast forward to now: I've started talking to a good friend who lives in Chicago.  We've known each other for quite some time and even dated for a little while way back in college.  We have a great time together and I was the absolute last person who would have thought I'd be remotely interested in him again, but I am.  He makes me laugh, challenges me and is on a great path in life....three things that are hugely important.  Crap...didn't see that coming.   After hanging out with him for a little bit I realized how things have changed in me.

Turns out, I'm terrified of relationships now.  I'm absolutely scared to death that I will repeat the same mistakes I made with Jerk and that I'll have my heart broken again.  In order to not make the same decisions, I hold people at arms length and question every single move/decision.  I overanalyze every word, every move and every thought.  In my head, I've already worked out the reasons it won't last...so why not just cut to the chase and end it now before I get hurt?  "He said this, but did he mean that?"  "What if he cheats?" "What if I'm too big of a bitch?"  It's really hard for me to just live in the moment and enjoy someone's company who happens to be very interested in me.  I always like to be two steps ahead in order to see what's coming...but I'm not sure that works in relationships.

Since when is it ok to assume things aren't going to work out?  Why not go into something head-first, fearless?  Because some Jerk broke my heart?  Yeah, I got burned bad last time...but the past doesn't have to dictate the future. Happiness is a choice.  A choice to see the best instead of assuming the worst. Things will work out as they will.  It may not always be the perfect ending...but why not enjoy the perfect beginning?

"I've sworn off my past, the first and last bad call that I ever made....it's my heart I'll follow this time."

Life Lately

Last weekend, I went back to Nashville because a certain Babykins was turning one!  It was so good to see my friends again.  Babykins is getting to be a little boy, not a baby anymore.  He changed so much in the month I was gone!  We had a talk and agreed that he can't get any bigger while Aunt Linny's gone.  It's just not cool.

The Girls (plus Matt)

Babykins first taste of cake (made by Stacia!)

During our "do not grow up" discussion.  It didn't end well.

One of my favorite pictures...ever.

I don't think it had hit me that I didn't live in Nashville anymore.  It felt like I was on an extended vacation or just trying out someone else's life in Chicago.  The day after I got back, I had my first breakdown about it all.  I was on the phone with my mom and she was asking me seemingly innocent questions that all just added up at once.  I was exhausted, depressed from leaving my friends/being alone again and everything just came pouring out.  Not pretty of course, but it had to happen eventually. 

I thought because I was moving to a place where I already knew people that my life/friends situation would just fall into place.  Turns out, I'm wrong.  All of my friends here have their own lives already, which is awesome for them.  It's just hard meeting people at work because they all live in the suburbs (yuck.)  It'll be ok eventually...just might take some time :)