It Ain't Easy...

So...today is Valentine's Day.  It's never really been a big deal for me because my birthday is ten days from now.  (For the record, NO you cannot combine Valentines and my birthday present.)  On Friday, my dad sent me a dozen roses at work with a card that said "Be My Valentine (for the 26th year)?  Daddy Loves You."  When I got home tonight, I had a package from my mom.  She sent me a box full of candy and the first season of Glee!  Her card said "Happy Valentines Day, Baby Girl."  I immediately started crying.  I'm so blessed to have two parents who love me enough keep me in mind because they know it's been a little rough lately and they don't want me to feel alone.

I then made the stupid mistake of looking through my memory boxes.  I have a habit of keeping little things from random times in my life...relationships, movie tickets, fortunes, etc.  I pulled out the "life after graduation" box and started reading.  Stupid mistake.  I apparently thought it was a good idea to save all of the little notes J left me when we were together.  I also thought it was a good idea to read them early on Valentines morning when I have been single for over two years.  Stupid mistake.  The crying continued.

I realized that being single is not easy.  Don't get me wrong.  I'm content in my life and I'm incredibly blessed in so many different ways.  There are millions of people who would kill to have my life...and I'm aware of that.  That doesn't mean that life is easy. 

J & my relationship was not a good one...but that doesn't mean there weren't good times.  All of the notes were incredibly sweet and said things that I fully believed at the time.  Unfortunately, he wasn't who he said he was and it was right for us to end things.  Again, that doesn't make things any easier.  Our break-up was hard.  Two years later...it's still hard.  I still wonder if I made the right decision and what my life would be like if we were still together.  Ultimately, he wasn't the right person for me and I had to learn a lot of hard lessons.  I've moved on and have tried to make myself a better person than before.

Anyway, back to my point.  Being single isn't easy.  Sure, there's a lot more freedom, a lot less accountability and I don't have to justify buying my pretty Steve Madden pumps.  But at the same time, I'm on my own.  I have to depend on myself to pay my bills, get my oil changed, fill up the tank with gas, take the dog out, cook dinner and do the dishes.  If I don't do it, it doesn't get done.  Quite frankly, it's exhausting.  I work all day long (sometimes longer) and come home to my adorable puppy who loves me unconditionally and occasionally catch-up with my roommate.  But no one is here when I'm homesick, no one is here to calm me down when I'm losing my mind, and no one is here to reassure me when it's been a sad day.  I'm on my own for all that as well.  Sure, it's made me a stronger person and I've had to learn a lot about myself in the process.  But it sure would be nice to have a partner through all of this.  I know that everything happens in God's timing and I have full faith that His plan is better than mine, but patience is not always my strong suit.  It's something I'm working on.

I'll say it again:  being single is hard!  If you're married, be thankful that you've found someone to support and love you through all seasons in life.  And if you're single, know that it's not easy and it's not always ideal, but life in general isn't always easy and ideal.  Sometimes, we just have to deal.

Anyway, Happy Valentines' Day!  I'm going to watch some Glee and eat some candy...