Through the Looking Glass

Some days, it's really easy to look back at the past and wish you had done things differently or that things had gone the other way.  Today is not one of those days. 

While working goofing around at work when I should have been working, I was on Facebook.  I got the stupid idea to look up Jerk.  So I did.  I've done this before (almost a year ago) and it just absolutely sent me into a depression of "what ifs."  What if he and I had been able to work things out?  What if I'd stayed with him despite how crappy he was?  What would my life be like?  And worse than the "what ifs", is that part of me still wanted to be with him...despite the crappiness.  Stupid, right?

But today, I looked at the picture of him and honestly thought "What in the hell did I see in him!?"  I thought about how awful I felt when I was with him and how truly selfish he was.  I even looked at his picture and said "huh...he's not even that cute!"  Needless to say, this is a huge improvement.  Because that time in my life was awful, it makes me appreciate just how good I've got it now and how far I've come. 

For example, I've always known I have a great family.  But living in Tennessee, it was hard to see them because they were all at least 5 hours away.  But, because I'm in Chicago, I got to love on all of my cousins and play in the water at my favorite place on earth.  We jumped and swam and ran and played charades and just enjoyed each other's company.  It's so much fun to see the world through the kids eyes and scary how fast they're becoming little adults.

Secondly, had I not gone through everything a few years ago, I wouldn't have some of my best friends: Jen, Matt, Stacia & Charlie.  They all came into my life at the exact right time and I really wouldn't trade the memories made with them for anything.  God definitely knew what he was doing with that situation.  I could go on and on about these people and how much I miss them, but I won't.

Lastly, being in such a crappy relationship has made me excited to find a good and right one.  Not trying to jump any guns here, but I'll just say that for now, I'm really happy.  Someone is here for me to bounce ideas off of, to challenge me in my thinking and most importantly, to make me laugh.  I'm not sure I've laughed so much in a long time.  Even when I'm being an insane girl and claiming he chose an apartment over me and my dog (seriously...stupid), he just hugs me and lets me know that he actually cares about me and he would never chose anything over Lex & I.  What's more, is I actually trust him.  I didn't trust Jerk - and for good reason.  Now, it's not even a thought in my head because I know Jase wouldn't do a thing to intentionally hurt me.  It's refreshing to be able to say that.  I'm still proceeding with caution because I always do, but it's fair to say that I'm happy with where I am.

In all, it's such a relief to see how far I've come and to know that I've learned from my mistakes and also been blessed from my mistakes.  I may not always know what I'm doing, but I'm so glad that God does.