I have been on a lot of bad dates. It's a blessing and a curse really. On one hand, I have to live through them. On the other hand, I get to tell really good stories to all my friends and we have a laugh over it. Not to brag, but I usually win the "I had the worst bad date" award. So, in honor of that, I figured I should write them down.
So, today we're going back about nine months to a date I had with a guy we'll call "Clown." As previously discussed, I decided to sign up for personal training at my gym in Nashville. In order to do so, I had to meet with the director of personal training. I had been forewarned that the guy was pretty cute...but a little on the short side. So I go to my appointment, and the guy's actually cute. Unfortunately, the guy is also two inches shorter than me. I'm 5'4"...so this guy was S.H.O.R.T. So we talk for half an hour about everything I dislike about my body and how I want to look. Just so you know, it's really hard to tell a decent looking guy that I hate the way my butt looks.
After I sign my life away to the personal trainer of his choice, he mentions that he's on Facebook and I should find him. I was all "yeah right" and left. Then the next morning, I had a friend request. And then we started talking on Facebook (so romantic.) Eventually, I agreed to go out to dinner the night before Thanksgiving. He asks what I like and I tell him I'm a "pizza and beer" kind of girl.
The night before Thanksgiving comes around and he picks me up at my apartment to go to dinner. Of course, he drives a pimped out Suburban. This should have been my first clue that he had shortman's syndrome. Then, we go to a Cuban restaurant. Pretty sure he missed the pizza & beer memo. You'd think the conversation would make up for this fact, right? Nope. Througout the course of the night, the following things came out of his mouth:
- "My friend and I were tripped out on X...and we flipped a car."
- "Back in the day, I was all doped up...and I flipped another car."
- "So this one time, I was high and..."
My mouth is just gaping open. Me, who has NEVER done drugs of any kind in my life is out on a date with this moron. Awesome. So, we're going back to my apartment because I have to work the next day. Along the way, we pass the strip-clubs in Nashville. Stupidly, I said "I never understood why guys want to go to those places. Among everything else, why pay for something you can't touch?" His response is something I will never forget.
"Oh, yeah...me too! I mean, I'd rather pay a $6 cover at a bar and pick-up a chick for the night than go to one of those places!" Seriously. Word. For. Word. But, Clown didn't stop there! Oh no...he launched into a monologue about sleeping with people: "I can't understand why people would want to wait until they get married to have sex...that's just stupid. And then there's other girls who will sleep with a few guys and then freak out and never do it again. Or, my friend is getting married and his fiance is holding out on him until the wedding! That's just crap...people are stupid."
Um, hello? KNOW YOUR AUDIENCE BEFORE YOU START SPOUTING THIS CRAP OFF!! He didn't know it at the time, but I fall directly into one of those categories. And I was not amused. I should have said goodnight and never thought of him again. But, I'm clearly not that smart.
We start watching a movie on the couch and he asks if his car is parked right outside my apartment. Um, yes...you did just walk in that door. He then proceeds to tell me that he has a vice I wasn't aware of. He dips. And proceeded to do so in my living room, on my couch, on our first date.
Needless to say, we didn't go on a second date. Ever.
